E ma de gbami ke! Has it come to this? Was she really an emergency case now?
She looked around the room again. This must be about the third time that her eyes had gone 90 degrees at the 'human beings' seated before her. She refused to call them her family, but then she still loved them enough not to call them Aliens. Haba! Even Aunty Bee! The Traitor!
"Boluwatife, don't you have anything to say?"
Talk of the devil... and she speaks!
Inside her head where nobody could see, Tife rolled her eyes a million times. She wasn't bold enough to do it for real and risk World War 4. All the noise about Yoruba demons here and there, and people thinking it's about men that break ladies' hearts. Crap.
Elders! Those were the REAL Yoruba demons. These ones sitting before her would not beat her {she wasn't too sure about slap sha} but they could send her to an untimely grave with their eyes and their words. So she really needed to be careful. Not just careful but EXTREMELY wise. She needed to sift her thoughts and weigh her words before they flew out.
"Tife dear, you can talk to us. We cannot know what to advise you if you don't tell us anything, abi?" the traitor said, looking to the rest of the clan for approval
"True. True. Bimbola, your words are very true" replied Uncle Timothy who wouldn't stop nodding his Afro head. Mr.Lekshora!
"Bo-lu-wa-ti-fe-lo-te-wa-lo-run!" Mr. Stevens called out, almost in a whisper
Warning bells in her head, Tife knew she had to say something quick. When her father called her name in full, it meant his patience was running out. It meant she better think fast and do something fast. She often wondered why he called her in full whenever he was mad at her. She concluded that it was his way of holding himself from killing her. It was God's will to give Tife as their child and they were satisfied with that. Afterall, that was basically what her full name meant.
"Yes daddy, I'm thinking. I just don't really know what to say yet"
"What are you still thinking?" her mother cut in before her father could respond.
"What is there in what we have asked you now? Are you still a child?" Her mother, the one and only Mrs. Stevens was beginning to raise her voice.
Aunty bee the traitor came in,
"Egbon mi, please calm down. We can't solve this by provoking her. We can't even force her. You know she's not a child anymore"
"Is that not what I was telling her? has she been listening?" her mother finished with an epic hiss.
"Tife, you should understand that we're doing this out of concern" Aunty Bee began, adopting her familiar 'counselor' tone and facing Tife squarely,
"If we don't love you, why would we care? but you are our own. We cannot leave you to waste. Abi?" she paused, again seeking approval from the audience before moving on.
"This August, you'll be what? 26! 26 years, and we're still dealing with one boy is not good, one man is not fine, he does not have masters. No my dear. it should not be so..."
"Help me tell her o!" Tife's mother interrupted.
"So we need you to talk to us" Aunty Bee continued. "Your father called me here because he knows how close you are to me"
Liar. Who knew you'd turn out to be a snake. Eez not your fault. Na me Fuck up, Tife thought
"He knows how much me and your Uncle Tim take you as one of our own children. That is how serious your parents are about this matter. Everybody is waiting on you. Please say something so we can take it from there" she finished
Tife counted about 10 seconds before she heaved a sigh and began,
"Mummy, Daddy, Aunty Bee, Uncle Timothy. I really appreciate you all. I know you love me and for that alone, I'm blessed. Aunty Bee, you're right. For Dad to have CALLED you all here shows how important it is"
She hoped the sly snake noticed her emphasy on the word "called" because she knew that even if there had been a calling, it was not her dad. Just last week, after she'd decided she couldn't cope with Tayo's cheating ways again, she'd confided in her favourite aunt, the 'counselor'. Aunty Bee's words that day were
"Tife, are you sure you want to break up with Tayo? I hope you're not looking for one perfect man? You're not getting any younger, my daughter".
Tife had stuck with her decision. Two days later, her mum called. Her attention was needed at home, she said. Next thing Tife knew, she was sitting before The Panel. So who called who, abeg?
"You've asked me why I haven't brought home the man I want to marry; why I'm wasting time when some of my mates are done bearing children, and I've..."
"And why did you break up with Tayo!" her mother blurted out
"Sister mi! Ahn Ahn!"
"Bimbola, leave me. Let her tell us everything. Enough of this hide and seek o jere!"
Tife was trying so hard to keep her cool.
"Aaaaaaaargh!" she screamed
Oops! at least she tried
"He cheated on me! He's been cheating on me! He's a pig! You know Chidinma, abi? my friend that got married last year? Yes, he slept with her. He slept with her last month!"
She was shaking. She hadn't told her aunt all these last week, but now she'd really had it. What did this people want her to do?
They were all quiet. Even Uncle Tim, whose attention seemed to be far away, was jolted back to the present. It was her dad who first spoke,
"Tife, why are we just hearing this?" he asked in part sympathy and part reprimand
Still recovering from her outburst, she said "I couldn't, daddy. It was too embarrassing. Is it everytime a man breaks my heart I'll come crying? I'm not a baby, for God's sake. My husband will come when God wills it"
Now her mother found her voice, "Ah! see my life o! my enemies have succeeded. They have decided to hurt me through my daughter. My only child. Jesu!!!" she wept.
Tife saw no tears but her mother was wiping her eyes with the edge of her Adire wrapper. *Major Eye-rolling* Mama Tife the Oscar Award winner.
Aunty bee looked like she was juggling her brain for the best conflict resolution technique, Uncle Tim looked like he'd rather be anywhere else, and her father looked... Angry.
"Hmm! Ehh!" Her mother kept sighing dramatically
"Mama Tife, that's enough" Tife's dad said, barely concealing his anger.
"Ah! Didn't you hear her? You didn't hear what she said? Is this one not a curse? She has agreed she is not a baby, and she's still saying husband will come when God wants"
ehn, is it when devil wants that husband will come before? This woman sef
"You!" she turned to Tife "Is this how you want to finish your life?"
"Chai. Mummy stop being dramatic nah. Why must everything be about you? Is it not my life? Who says a woman must be married sef? Is Aunty Philomena married? Is she not a powerful Ambassador today? Has she... "
"Shut up!" "You see?" she said, turning to Tife's father "You see? The spirit in your family wants to jump on my child. You lie!"
"What spirit? Woman, are you sleep-talking?" he retorted
"Didn't you hear her? That your sister that has refused to marry. She'll be shouting women empowerment, gender equality, bla bla bla up and down. What is all her certificate without husband, ehn? She has big oyinbo but no child. Is that life? Did I not go to school? Can't I speak grammar? Am I not married? And even if God did not give me more than this one child, will I open my eyes and let her be like your sister?"
"Will you just calm down?"
"For where?! Oriyomi Stevens, Tife is your daughter, but to me, she's my life. If you don't want to kill me, just talk to her. Talk to her!" And that was it. She stood up and walked out.
Uncle Tim still looked like he wanted to bolt out of there. Aunty Bee {serves her treacherous soul right} still had not found any technique and her dad looked... Resigned.
Tife stood up quietly,
"Daddy, I'll be going to my place now. I want to go and cook Fried Rice and drink Ice cream"
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