A lil Something Straight From My Heart

Source: samuelojo.com

The man who said “Change is the only constant thing in life , couldn’t have captured the truth more aptly!

I look back at the little-more-than two decades I’ve spent on earth and I think to myself “change is indeed constant”. I think of all the phases I’ve been through- the first 9 years of childhood innocence and bliss, before that life was tainted by ugliness in the home; the violence, the fear…

I cannot even begin to describe how much that period influenced my life. I know I was moved, in the twinkling of an eye, from being a content child in a safe world to one who got accustomed to expecting the very worst- emotionally and physically. I look back now and see a confused child, distraught and troubled. Nightmares and fearful episodes became a norm, chest palpitations became a familiar thing (by the way, I still have those). The palpitations would get worse after about 2 weeks of no violent incident. I would get extremely edgy, dreading the next violent episode with a nervousness that literally caused me physical distress. The slightest thing would make me jump; my heart would beat in protest against my chest and my breath would come in short gasps (I often had to hide these symptoms because I didn’t want to provoke any violence).

Needless to say, it was a BAD time, and it shaped a large part of who I am today. It’s a ‘both-sides-of-the-coin’ issue. I grew way beyond my age, fast! Today, I talk and folks older than I am go “How come you speak above your age”. On the other hand, I still have negative leave-behinds from that time of my life; effects, which, with the help of God, I’m trying to overcome.

I cannot dispute the fact that, more than anything, this time of my life helped birth the relationship I have with God today. Amidst all the confusion and pain, God, and a few Godsends were the only semblance of sanity I could cling to.

I have written about this period of my life because it is one that I have been unable to forget. Till today, I still have flashbacks and cringe! The wounds inflicted on my emotions, my self-esteem and entire psyche go way deeper than any physical one.

But things did calm down………. (at least physically)

Then there was the UNILAG phase. Usually, one cannot give a complete description of oneself. There are always things that the other person will be in a better position to see. Still, I’d like to think that at the time, I came off as the typical bookworm, seemingly uninterested in any other thing, especially the social offerings of a school like LAG. Check this out:

Academics    ---------- 99.9%

Socials           ----------0.00000%

Religious       ----------60%

Fashion         ----------Non-existent

Politics          ----------Non-existent

 Reconciling that girl with who I am today is an interesting endeavor (especially as regards the looks *wink*). CHANGE. There’s been what one of my undergrad lecturers might call a PARADIGM SHIFT. lol.

I may not be able to fully dissect this shift, but suffice it to say my outward appearance is not all there is to it (although that has been the most controversial aspect so far).

I’ve had varying reactions. From those who are convinced I’ve given my heart to the devil (my father is a major proponent of this idea, as well as some who are still too ‘polite’ to say it to my face) to those who tell me to “keep it up”!

My major challenges with all these:

How not to lose myself in the ‘change’;

Not getting carried away by anybody’s approval or disapproval;

Staying true to God-inspired values

This Change process is ultimately a journey to finding myself. I do not wish to be tied to my father or mother’s values, nor do I wish to impress any ‘admirer’. I only desire to be comfortable with my person, as a child of the Most High.

My journey is far from over. In fact, I see it as one that is likely to be a lifelong one. One day, I won’t have my parents’ commands as crutch anymore, no friend or admirer to point to as alibi. I will be left ALONE to answer for my decisions and actions. I want to be able to have utmost confidence in everything that sums up who I am.

As I clock +1 today, I’m grateful. I’m grateful for the good & the bad, for the true friends & the backstabbers, for family, for the gains & pains, the achievements & failures.

I’m grateful most for the grace of God. He promises “ALL THINGS work together for good to those who love God; who are called according to HIS purpose” Romans 8:28

Another personal favorite, Verses 38 & 39, say:

“For I am SURE that neither death nor life, NOR ANGELS NOR RULERS, nor things present, nor things to come nor powers, nor height or depth, NOR ANYTHING ELSE IN CREATION, will be able to separate us from the love of GOD in Christ Jesus our Lord”.

As I celebrate God’s goodness today, I can’t help but think:

“CAN’T WAIT FOR THE REST OF MY JOURNEY!”